“I Could Have Said Nothing.”

Below is a re-post of my article on how my husband and I were interacted with in an Emergency Room at a hospital in Boston Massachusetts. Following the re-post is a letter from the hospital that is the conclusion to the story, and what I believe is an outcome that will make it better for the next same sex couple that walks into the emergency room of this hospital.

I often write this, but it is worth repeating, activism is each LGBT individual’s responsibility until we have full equality under the law. In many ways an individual’s willingness not to settle for second class citizen status in their everyday life, as they go through life, has a greater impact on societal change than the bigger actions that capture media attention.

The next time you find yourself in a situation similar to mine you have a choice to let it go, or seize it as an opportunity to make life better for your LGBT brothers and sisters.

If you are LGBT and happen to visit Faulkner Hospital and are treated respectfully, please remember this article, and remember, I could have said nothing.......but really I had no choice.

MT


Re-Post

“Due Diligence or Discrimination?”

I live in the state of Massachusetts. Same sex marriage is legal here and has been for some time now. It became law in 2004. I have been married since 2006. Most heterosexual people think the battle for equality ended then in my state, it didn’t. It didn’t end anymore than desegregation ended the battle against discrimination for Black Americans. I often tell my heterosexual friends who tell me they can empathize with me, that it is a nice sentiment, but unless you walk in a Gay man’s shoes you can’t really get the full picture of our lives.

This past weekend is a good example. Two things happened that were troubling to me.Both minor events, but they go to the bigger picture. A friend was traveling to Provincetown on the ferry and updated his Facebook page about his trip. There were straight couples with kids on the boat and he and his partner got a few disapproving looks from one of the woman. He updated his wall page by complaining that if people are not going to be accepting, they should not be on a ferry to Provincetown, which of course is one of the Gay Mecca’s of the United States.

The stare itself is disturbing, but it didn’t end there. One of his heterosexual friends criticized his update by saying, “Tolerance works both ways” My issue is the word ‘tolerance”. As I commented on my friend’s page, tolerance implies that you are putting up with something wrong. You tolerate a mosquito bite, you “accept” a human being, and I’m sorry it does not work both ways. We have very few places in this world were Gay people are the majority. Places where we don’t have to modify some system or form of entertainment made for a heterosexual world. We demand acceptance when we are in one of those places that we are the majority. If you can’t accept us in these places, than you don’t belong in our neighborhood and should stay out.

The second is more personal. I had to bring my husband to the emergency room for an illness this past weekend. The intake nurse was rude to me as I tried to answer questions for my husband who could barely speak. At one point she asked him if it he wanted me to leave. This was after we told her we were married. We both let her have it, helping her to adjust her attitude. After they took him back to get him settled I was asked to register him. I answered many questions. Finally I was asked what our relationship was. I replied married and got ready for the next question. The intake person paused, raised her eyebrow and asked, “Legally married”? My initial response was yes, but then it sank in so I asked, “Would you ask that question of a heterosexual spouse who stated they were married”? I got back some mumbo jumbo about having to do, due diligence for legal reasons. I told her that was not a good response so she just moved on.

This morning I called Massachusetts General Hospital and Brigham and Women’s Hospital here in Boston to inquire about their intake policy regarding relationship status. All agreed that the intake person should have stopped when I said we are married. They went on to say this satisfies due diligence. They further stated that if they were to go further, they would have to start asking everyone for a copy of their marriage license and this is not feasible in an emergency. This morning I spoke with patient relations at the hospital I took my husband to. The representative seemed genuinely embarrassed, apologized and told me what action would be taken. They will have the staff person’s manager call and apologize to me later today.

Some may say I’m making a big thing out of nothing. I say my responsibility is to make things better for Gay people who come after me and I feel as if I helped do that today. My point about people thinking Gays have it made in Massachusetts is this, everyday our lives as Gay people require us to adjust and or correct those around us. It is wearing. In the emergency room a heterosexual married spouse would have been free to “just be” concerned about the condition of their spouse. As a gay man, as a Gay married couple, we were not afforded that right. The fight for equality does not end with signing a bill into law. However, it does begin a new front in the war as it gives us the legal support to challenge everyday discrimination. Without equality laws in place we move from a goal of acceptance to a world of tolerance. Been there, done that, won’t go back.

MT

(Click on letter to enlarge)